First Look at Cap

Forget the Human Torch, here's a first look at Chris Evans as Steve Rogers

aka Captain America, the First Avenger.

Outside Looking In

It's funny when you find yourself

Lookin' from the outside

I'm standing here but all I want

Is to be over there

Why did I let myself believe

Miracles could happen

Cause now I have to pretend

That I don't really care..

Those lines from the song, When there was Me and You from High School Musical sums up my present feelings, at least with the people from Kindred Hearts. Maybe because I'm a boring person, someone that's invisible, I'm out of the loop with regards their activities and gigs. I don't want to be a special someone where everyone will be telling me their whereabouts, but I do get "lost" general messages that they had a great time, and stuff, which means they all knew about the activities of the group.

Is this a sign that I'm not really welcome? I've never had any pretensions ever since, and I've always showed who and what I am. Now if that's a bad thing, then let it be. At least I don't regret being myself with them. If they think I'm too old (29's old?) or too boring to be with them, then I can't do anything about that. I am who I am, what you see is what you get.

Yes, I am on the outside looking in.. but if they don't want me to be in there, I won't force myself. I have a life to live, boring it may be to a lot of people, it still is a life I have to live for the sake of my family, my wife, daughter, my soul siblings. At least they've accepted me for what and who I am.

If I Can't Love Her

I was going through my old recordings and I found the very beautiful song of my dream role in Broadway. No, I'm not going to post my recording here, but the original Beast in Broadway's Beauty and the Beast.

And in my twisted face

There's not the slightest trace

Of anything that even hints of kindness

And from my tortured shape

No comfort, no escape

I see, but deep within is utter blindness

Hopeless

As my dream dies

As the time flies

Love a lost illusion

Helpless

Unforgiven

Cold and driven

To this sad conclusion

No beauty could move me

No goodness improve me

No power on earth, if I can't love her

No passion could reach me

No lesson could teach me

How I could have love her and made her love me too

If I can't love her, then who?

Long ago I should have seen

All the things I could have been

Careless and unthinking, I moved onward

No pain could be deeper

No life could be cheaper

No point anymore, if I can't love her

No spirit could win me

No hope left within me

Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free

But it's not to be

If I can't love her

Let the world be done with me.

Insensitive

I know I'm kinda emo, but still, some people are just insensitive.. very insensitive.

A couple of days ago, a good old friend invited me to join a sing & dance competition ala Glee. This friend is a multi-awarded composer and musician and ever since I started performing, has been an amazing supporter. Though we seldom see each other, the mutual respect and admiration has always been there.

Excited about the invitation, I informed everyone involved in Kindred Hearts including the producer. He too was excited and we started planning. We started making a list of people we'll be selecting since the contest only allows 12 to 18 people in 1 group. I even suggested on having 2 groups from us so a lot would be able to experience it, but it seemed like he was keen on just having one group. While we were thinking of the people to include, he included my name. I told him not to replace my name with someone else more deserving, but since he also included his name as one of the performers, he insisted that I should also be performing. When I talked to my sister about it, she also said that I should perform with them, so I finally agreed.

The first schedule of rehearsals was today, the whole day. Since it's a Sunday, I had to sacrifice (again!) my time with my family. My wife wasn't very happy with it since I was also out the whole day yesterday for the Moon Walk, an activity where I was with the same group. I also had to (again) sacrifice my time with the Bisdaks, who needed my help so badly for one of Arnel Pineda's major projects. It was a major, major sacrifice but hey, it's for the group, right?

Call time was supposedly 8:30 AM but I wasn't able to leave early because I had to bond with my family before again leaving them and being gone the whole day. I went to the meeting place and waited for the others who were also late. We then walked towards the rehearsal venue, a social hall beside a parish. It was not that far, but it wasn't also near and it was so hot. We finally arrived and rested a bit. While I was lying down on the floor, the producer casually approached me and asked, "Is it okay for this girl to take your spot?" He asked that while the girl was already rehearsing and all. I had no choice. I couldn't have said No because that would have made me selfish and would hurt everyone. I said it was okay, and left the social hall. I went straight to the church beside the venue. Tears fell while I was talking to Him. I wasn't sad or disappointed because I got replaced by someone far more beautiful and talented. I was crying because I was not informed way before I got to make all those sacrifices. If the replacement was already there, that meant that the producer had already decided way before to replace me, he just didn't tell me sooner.

From the church, I went out of the compound and walked and walked and walked. It felt like my head has just been chopped off. No one noticed I was gone, or no one cared. Why would they, right?

Since I left the place where I was of no use, I decided to go to the Bisdaks meeting instead, and make up for the projects where they needed me and I wasn't there. I'm lucky they're very understanding and welcomed me back with open arms. Good thing we still have time to work on the project before the end of the month deadline.

The time I lost for my family is something I cannot get back anymore. That's the most painful thing in this experience. If the person was just sensitive enough, he could have informed me way before. Heck, when we first planned this, I don't even think he was sincere in saying (and insisting) that he wanted me to join. My sis, KC, even said that it's ironic that the one who was invited is the one that's not part of it after all.

How can I make it up to my family? By spending more time with them and no longer spending a lot of time with theatre, at least for now. Since I'm out of the contest, there won't be any rehearsals to attend to for the time being. I know no one's going to notice that I'm not with them during their bonding sessions because after all, I've always been invisible to them. Invisible and useless.

Soul Siblings Part 2

Our family just got bigger.

Joining the Kindred Hearts production allowed me to meet people who didn't only become my friends, they became my new soul siblings. From the get-go, I already felt that certain connection with them, maybe because we are of kindred hearts and of kindred souls.

As a sentimental fool, I've always been very careful not to get attached so easily because strong as I may look, my heart is very vulnerable if I choose to open it. Aside from my family, I have very few friends whom I have opened my heart to. That's also one of the reasons why I am called by many as a loner, shy or even a weirdo. Through the years, I've learned to guard my heart and not let just anyone in.

By accepting my new soul siblings into my life and into our family, I am taking a chance and opening up my heart again. I know that sooner or later, I will again feel pain but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Right now, I am just so happy to have my new soul sisters - Khai Grace, Krizia Gabrielle and KC.

I love them a lot and I hope to be the best big brother that I can be to them.

My family just got bigger - my wife, Loudette, my daughter, Katrina Alyssa, my soul siblings- Kazie, Dan, Khai, KC and Krizia.

Losing family helps us to find our family. Not necessarily the family that is our blood, but the family that may become our blood..

I lost my elder sister and brother, but I was able to find my soul siblings - not the same blood, but of the same soul.

Soul Siblings Part 1

Losing family helps us to find our family. Not necessarily the family that is our blood, but the family that may become our blood.. - Finding Forrester (2000)

God took away my elder sister and brother before I was born so from the moment I was conceived, I was already destined to be alone.

In fairness to my parents, they gave me the care and attention that I needed growing up, but I still felt alone and incomplete. I had no one to talk with and play with. I was on my own. Maybe that was also the reason why I was, and still am so shy. I was sheltered, over-protected. I was loved and I had friends, but I still felt empty. I envied my friends who had siblings who played with them, fought with them and just stayed with them. I wanted my own siblings but it was impossible. My eldest sister, Happy, died while inside my mom's womb. Two years after, my elder brother, Carlo, reached 10 months inside the womb and also died. Two years after my brother's accident, my mom was pregnant with me but she also had Placenta praevia so she had to do a complete bed rest for 9 months or she'll lose me too.

It was impossible but I prayed for God to give me a brother or a sister. Although I never blamed Him for what happened, there were times when I did start to question Him. Why did He take them away? Why did He leave me all alone?

I felt my prayers were answered when I met Kazie and Dan. I felt a connection with them right away, and not long after, they became my soul siblings for we are siblings connected not by blood, but by our souls.

I was not and still am not the best Kuya, but God knows I really tried. I am still trying.

We all got busy with different things and there were a lot of really long instances where we lost touch with each other, but in my heart, I knew that when needed, I will be there for and with them right away.

Fast forward to the present, we're again reunited and trying to catch up on those lost years. I know I have a lot of catching up and making up to do, and I will definitely do it if given the chance.

Making Up

I've been so sick the past 2 weeks that even with the not-so-busy schedule at the office, I didn't have the energy to do anything aside from work. Usually, it's this shift where I catch up on my favorite series or update my blog. As you can see, I haven't been able to really update my blog regularly since rehearsals started for Kindred Hearts.

Speaking of Kindred Hearts, though it was something that I will always cherish and remember, it had one downside: it took me away from my family. It took all of my free time. I am just lucky though that I have the most understanding and supportive family anyone can ever dream of.

I will make it up to them. I promise. 24 hours has never been enough for me ever since, but since there's nothing I can do to extend it, all I can do is to to make the most of my time to make it up to my family. God knows how much I love them, more than my own life.

Writing with your Heart

"You write the first draft with your heart, and the second one with your head.."

Ever since I heard that line from the beautiful movie, Finding Forrester sometime in 2000, it got stuck to me that although I'm not a writer and I know I don't write well, I am still doing it and I will continue to write as long as I can. As I've said before, writing, especially in this blog, is my outlet. It is in writing that I can truly express everything that I may have trouble expressing verbally.

So for those of you who are kind enough to read a few lines or posts on this blog, I apologize for all the errors, grammars, etc., there are just times when I write with my heart, and then I forget to write with my head after.

Could've been 32

Happy birthday, dear brother!

I know you're smiling, watching over us from Up There.

You could have turned 32 today,

and I know life would have been different if you were around.

No matter what, I will always have that emptiness

of not being able to have an older brother or sister.

Thank you for always looking out for us all these years.

Say Hi to Manang for me.

I love you, Manoy Carlo

and I'll always miss you. ♥

This is my story.. what's yours?

During the planning for the restage, I was invited by Maling to help in the auditions along with Gayle. Gayle had classes on that day so I was the only representative of CTC. It was stiffling hot but the dancers and singers who auditioned were hotter. I was the most silent of us all on the audition table on that day, but I also probably had the most comments for each auditionee on their respective info sheets. Now just because I was silent throughout the auditions and at times, may have looked naive, that doesn't mean I was oblivious to what was happening around me. I was very much aware with everything, and yes, I was aware that there were people who were not comfortable with me and Gayle helping out. Yeah, it's sad that there are people who don't want to be helped for reasons only they know.

Fast forward to after a month or so, Maling offered me the role of Mr. Galvez. I hadn't read the script and was busy with work and a lot of other things so I declined, fearing that I wouldn't be able to attend rehearsals because of my schedule. A month after that, Maling and Chino asked me to help in any way I can with the production, with Chino even offering me his position as Director. I committed to helping, but I could never be the director because when I first met Chino, I saw in him what I've seen in the best directors I've been with in the past: talent, passion, vision. I believed that he's the best man for the job. Fast forward to almost a month after, Maling offered me the role of Tatay Leo. I was still busy but something inside me said, "read the script before you decide," so I asked Maling to send me the script. He sent me the script and the songs. I cried that very night I read the script while listening to the songs. I haven't been active in theatre and music for the longest time, but that night, I fell in love with Kindred Hearts.

I was going to say yes already to Maling and Chino, but I was hesitant because I didn't know what to expect. They've been rehearsing for quite some time already, and here I was, a newbie to the group. I told Maling that I'll attend rehearsals to observe. And I did. I saw a lot of younger thespians singing and dancing with much emotion I've only seen in seasoned performers. They were all talented, but what struck me most was that they all had their feet on the ground which is a rare thing. I felt that it would be a great honor to share the stage with these very talented individuals in telling a very beautiful story to the world, so I finally said 'yes'.

There were a lot of sacrifices that were made during the course of the 2-month long rehearsals and during the 4-day run of the show, but it was all worth it. I'm so damn proud to have been a part of Kindred Hearts, and hope that in my own little way, I was able to share my heart to everyone.

Chino - Thank you for EVERYTHING, most especially for believing in me when even I doubted myself! Dang, you're truly gifted! Looks, talent, intelligence, humility, passion, vision, heart, you have it all man! Calling you a friend is one of life's greatest blessings. Anyone who says there's no such thing as a perfect guy obviously hasn't met you.

Maling - You have the whole ahead of you to conquer. I truly admire your vision, determination and most especially your patience, key traits to being a great producer and an even better person. Keep the faith, you know we are always behind you.

Gayle - You know how thankful I am to have you in my life all these years, the best sister and friend in the universe! You've always been my strength and inspiration, and it is such a joy every single time I'm with you, on and offstage. You know I'm always here. Love you much, te!

Dan - The best and most talented not-so-little brother in the whole wide world, and I'm not saying that because you're my only brother. Thank you so much for the neverending support ever since we were young. I may be invisible but you know that I'm always and forever here. Love you, bro!

Mikko - As I've told you before, my Christmas wish is to have a voice like yours. Haha! Really! Thank you for the love and support. Never stop singing and sharing your amazing talent to the world - which is for you to conquer. It is an honor being your friend and fan. More power and more blessings!

Bryan - I truly admire your passion, humility and intensity, not to mention your amazing vocals. Thank you for sharing your talents, I will always be here to support you. More power and more blessings!

Manuel - I am so proud of you. You've gone a long way since we started our rehearsals, and you will continue to improve as long as you don't stop singing and you don't stop believing in yourself. I will always be here to support you. More power!

Junrey - Continue nurturing your amazing talent, and continue sharing it to the world. You will go a long, long way as long as you don't stop believing. I on the other hand will always be here to support you. Thank you for the love and support. More blessings!

Livia - I miss our jeepney and taxi rides, and our late dinners. You know I'm always here as a fan and a friend. I am so proud of you. More power and more blessings. Love you Joyce!

JJ - Kalayo ba nimo ui? Haha! Thank you for sharing your talents to the world, it was always a blast being with you and sharing the stage with you. Hope to make more beautiful music with you. More blessings!

Stella - Thank you for your big heart. Your love and concern is most appreciated. Hope to share the stage with you again soon. Stay happy! More blessings!

Ma'am Ana - You always bring out the best in everyone, by always giving your best every time. I will always be a fan and a friend. It's a great honor to have been on this journey with you. More power and more blessings!

Lucienne - Thank you for all the beautiful music and all the laughter. Nice kaayo imong gikanta sa Glee.. aw tympa, dili diay ka si Sunshine Corazon? Aw o, sa FB raman diay toh imo vid pagkanta nimo ug Listen noh? Nice kaayo! .. Aw si Eleni pud diay toh? Kinsa man jud diay ka? Awwww, ikaw diay na Lush? Haha! Continue singing, and hope to share the stage with you again soon.

Fitzgerald - It's a great honor to share the role with you. You're an amazing singer, and an amazing person. I am proud to call you my friend. More power and more blessings!

Carlomer & Jake - Thank you for the concern and support. It was a wonderful experience sharing the stage with you, guys. More power and wishing you happiness always.

Edi - I'm very much happy to have met a friend like you. It's an honor to have been a part of your beautiful memories here in Cebu, and I hope and pray that we will see each other again, my friend. Good luck in all your endeavors.

Pia - I still can't forget how you were able to convince the guard that I am your daddy just so I can get inside your school! Haha! Thank you for the love and care, know that I am always here. May you always be happy.

Chubby - You are full of love and are capable of giving so much love. Hoping and praying that you will finally find that one person to share your love with. And yes, I can be your subsititute father whenever you want.

Philipp - Thank you for sharing your talents with us, you have the world in the palm of your hand if you just nurture your gifts and continue sharing them with the world. I will always be a fan. More power!

Chayle - You're an amazing artist and an amazing person. Thank you for the friendship which I will always cherish - and thank you so much for the hair spray. Haha! More power!

Mah-an - I admire your courage and your big heart. I'm truly thankful to have a friend like you. Stay the same because I love you just the way you are! Stay happy!

Marian & Justine - You don't only dance well, you look good doing it! Beautiful girls with kind hearts and the best dancers in town! Thank you for the friendship, I'm blessed to have you as friends. More power!

Pauline - From the first time I saw you, I was in awe. What you did, coming in less than a week before the shows and mastering beautifully the steps, was close to impossible yet you did it with flying colors. You're an amazing person and I'm grateful to have met someone like you. Love you, Anne!

Kevin Lou, Fritz & Sly - You guys are not only born dancers, but also natural actors. Glad to have shared the stage with you. Continue sharing your talents to the world. More power and more blessings!

Jay-R, Kabs, Ronnie & Miko Gamay - When you guys dance, I just want to stop and watch! Haha! Keep the faith and continue sharing your talents to the world! More blessings!

Rachel - Thank you for staying and for being with us in the Kindred Hearts journey, even if your friends left. The journey would not have been as worthwhile if you were not with us. Continue dancing! More power!

Rose - I've always been a fan since the first staging of KH, but I'm a bigger fan now that I didn't only see you dance, but because I've known you more as a person. More power and keep the faith!

Krix - Thank you for the trust and the love. You are so much capable of giving so much love - may you find that person who is worthy of that love. I am always praying for you. Love you Krizia!

Erika - You never cease to amaze me. Yes, I will never cease to tell you that because you really are an amazing person. Beautiful inside and out, I'm always in awe whenever you are near. Thank you for the love and care. Love you Khai!

Kris - You're an amazing person, and I feel so lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you for the love and support. Know that I will always be here. Stay happy, stay beautiful! Love you Kris!

Jill, Tom, Marky & Enzo - I truly enjoyed your company, and I am thankful to have friends like you. Looking forward to spending more time with you.

To those whom I failed to mention here, and to everyone else, my Kindred Hearts journey became a memorable and worthwhile adventure because of you - THANK YOU!

Though our Kindred Hearts journey has ended for now, know that always and forever, I may not be your Tatay (I'm not that old tawn ui! :P) but I will always be everyone's friend and Kuya.. except for the few people in KH who are older than me like.. uhm... basta you know who they are! haha!

Kindred Hearts brought us all together,

but it is our kindred souls that connects us

to each other even if we're apart.

Thank You for Supporting Kindred Hearts

I'm back! Well, sort of.

I wasn't able to blog for the longest time because I was so busy with our rehearsals and the 4-day, 14-show run of our musical play, Kindred Hearts. I'm still thanking the Lord for helping us get through it. There were a lot of drama behind the scenes, but I won't get into them. The drama on-stage was a lot better, and well applauded. The support we received from everyone was unexpected but very much appreciated. Audience from all ages laughed and cried with us in each of the 14 shows. I myself was a part of the audience in all the shows that I was not a part of, and yes, I too laughed and cried.

I am so proud of everyone involved, and our hard work, sweat and tears paid off because I know we were able to get the show's message across to our audience. It certainly touched my heart to hear people thanking us after the shows. We were the ones supposed to be thanking them for their support, but it was them who thanked us for inviting them to watch something that opened their eyes to a lot of realizations.

I'm still not well and still in the middle of taking my medications (4 of them!), but I know I'll be all right. I'll be out from work in a 5 hours, and can hopefully catch up with the KH people for a little get-together a week after our last show.

Here's our finale and curtain call posted on YouTube by a supporter (Thank you, ucnursingcesdev)