Fooling Myself

Who am I kidding?! It will never work out! I may kill myself trying to make it work out, but it just won't if I'm the only one doing it. And guess what? I've been doing it for the longest time, and I've been hurting myself again and again in the process, but I still believed it's possible. Now that I'm 30 years old, I think it's time to give up on these fantasies no matter how painful it is, and move on. Easier said than done. It will take time, I know, but I gotta start somewhere, sometime. I have to start now without waiting for a tomorrow that may never come.

I've always believed that my soul siblings would be able to compensate for my siblings who passed. I was wrong. Or maybe I just expected too much? Or maybe I just don't know how to hold back.

I know it's wrong but I'm the type of person who gives my all in whatever I get into. I've always believed in giving everything so that in the end, I will not have any regrets. Ever since I started having soul siblings, I gave my all. I've did all I could to really treat them as I would treat my real siblings, but it wasn't really reciprocated. Yes, they'll say this and that, but those were just words, nothing more. Actions speak much louder than words, and basing from the actions and not just their words, I'm really nothing more to them than just one of their friends - not even a close friend. No, I'm not really complaining, I don't have the right to, I'm just really disappointed with myself why I care too much.

I love my soul siblings and I always will. I just have to learn to accept the fact that they will never look at me the way I look at them, that they will never treat me like I treat them, that I may be their kuya, their tatay, but in reality, I am just like everyone else - or even lesser. Sad but true, and for the acceptance thingie, I leave it all to time.

Yes, I just realized that I am just fooling myself.