Fooling Myself

Who am I kidding?! It will never work out! I may kill myself trying to make it work out, but it just won't if I'm the only one doing it. And guess what? I've been doing it for the longest time, and I've been hurting myself again and again in the process, but I still believed it's possible. Now that I'm 30 years old, I think it's time to give up on these fantasies no matter how painful it is, and move on. Easier said than done. It will take time, I know, but I gotta start somewhere, sometime. I have to start now without waiting for a tomorrow that may never come.

I've always believed that my soul siblings would be able to compensate for my siblings who passed. I was wrong. Or maybe I just expected too much? Or maybe I just don't know how to hold back.

I know it's wrong but I'm the type of person who gives my all in whatever I get into. I've always believed in giving everything so that in the end, I will not have any regrets. Ever since I started having soul siblings, I gave my all. I've did all I could to really treat them as I would treat my real siblings, but it wasn't really reciprocated. Yes, they'll say this and that, but those were just words, nothing more. Actions speak much louder than words, and basing from the actions and not just their words, I'm really nothing more to them than just one of their friends - not even a close friend. No, I'm not really complaining, I don't have the right to, I'm just really disappointed with myself why I care too much.

I love my soul siblings and I always will. I just have to learn to accept the fact that they will never look at me the way I look at them, that they will never treat me like I treat them, that I may be their kuya, their tatay, but in reality, I am just like everyone else - or even lesser. Sad but true, and for the acceptance thingie, I leave it all to time.

Yes, I just realized that I am just fooling myself.

Soul Siblings Part 2

Our family just got bigger.

Joining the Kindred Hearts production allowed me to meet people who didn't only become my friends, they became my new soul siblings. From the get-go, I already felt that certain connection with them, maybe because we are of kindred hearts and of kindred souls.

As a sentimental fool, I've always been very careful not to get attached so easily because strong as I may look, my heart is very vulnerable if I choose to open it. Aside from my family, I have very few friends whom I have opened my heart to. That's also one of the reasons why I am called by many as a loner, shy or even a weirdo. Through the years, I've learned to guard my heart and not let just anyone in.

By accepting my new soul siblings into my life and into our family, I am taking a chance and opening up my heart again. I know that sooner or later, I will again feel pain but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Right now, I am just so happy to have my new soul sisters - Khai Grace, Krizia Gabrielle and KC.

I love them a lot and I hope to be the best big brother that I can be to them.

My family just got bigger - my wife, Loudette, my daughter, Katrina Alyssa, my soul siblings- Kazie, Dan, Khai, KC and Krizia.

Losing family helps us to find our family. Not necessarily the family that is our blood, but the family that may become our blood..

I lost my elder sister and brother, but I was able to find my soul siblings - not the same blood, but of the same soul.

Soul Siblings Part 1

Losing family helps us to find our family. Not necessarily the family that is our blood, but the family that may become our blood.. - Finding Forrester (2000)

God took away my elder sister and brother before I was born so from the moment I was conceived, I was already destined to be alone.

In fairness to my parents, they gave me the care and attention that I needed growing up, but I still felt alone and incomplete. I had no one to talk with and play with. I was on my own. Maybe that was also the reason why I was, and still am so shy. I was sheltered, over-protected. I was loved and I had friends, but I still felt empty. I envied my friends who had siblings who played with them, fought with them and just stayed with them. I wanted my own siblings but it was impossible. My eldest sister, Happy, died while inside my mom's womb. Two years after, my elder brother, Carlo, reached 10 months inside the womb and also died. Two years after my brother's accident, my mom was pregnant with me but she also had Placenta praevia so she had to do a complete bed rest for 9 months or she'll lose me too.

It was impossible but I prayed for God to give me a brother or a sister. Although I never blamed Him for what happened, there were times when I did start to question Him. Why did He take them away? Why did He leave me all alone?

I felt my prayers were answered when I met Kazie and Dan. I felt a connection with them right away, and not long after, they became my soul siblings for we are siblings connected not by blood, but by our souls.

I was not and still am not the best Kuya, but God knows I really tried. I am still trying.

We all got busy with different things and there were a lot of really long instances where we lost touch with each other, but in my heart, I knew that when needed, I will be there for and with them right away.

Fast forward to the present, we're again reunited and trying to catch up on those lost years. I know I have a lot of catching up and making up to do, and I will definitely do it if given the chance.