Third and Probably the Last Time

I just submitted my third application for a higher position in our office. If I'll still won't be get it, I'll take it as not just a sign, but a big slap on my face that this is not the agency for me. My heart and my ego can only take so much.

This is not too brag, but my educational qualification, my experience, and all my trainings (both attended and conducted) through the years made the Superintendent ask me a lot of times before accepting me if I really wanted to work in this agency at one of the lowest ranking positions. He said that my credentials were more than most Principals, I just don't have experience teaching in a public school setting so I was not able to apply for any higher position. I was willing to start from the bottom, and work my way up.

Two years later, there was a higher position open.

All the published qualification fit me perfectly.

After the initial screening, there were only 2 of us left. The other one was already doing the duties of that position as OIC. I didn't mind. I knew we were both qualified.

Then a plot twist.

She resigned and went to the States.

I was the only one left. That position was mine.

So I thought.

They told me that I lacked one requirement, and I am disqualified.

The requirement that I lacked was one performance rating. The requirement was 3 performance ratings. I had 2 from this office since I was here for 2 years, but I submitted a lot of performance ratings from my previous (private) companies. They said it's not considered, and I'm disqualified.

They said that since no one's accepted to the position, they will close it and then open it at a later time, then I can reapply.

A year later, they reopened the same position with the same requirements and qualifications.

Yes, you bet I was confident. I already had the 3 performance ratings needed since I was in this agency for 3 years already.

De ja vu.

There were again 2 of us left after the initial screening.

This time, I was more confident than the first time because I knew I was more qualified than the other candidate. 

Surprise! Surprise! 

De ja vu? 

You can say that again.

I was again disqualified.

The letter sent by HR said I was disqualified because I lacked experience.

That same letter had a different position indicated aside from misspelling my last name.

I pointed that out, and HR said it was just a typo, and I am still disqualified for lack of experience.

By the way, do you know what a disqualification means?

It means that everything that I have submitted goes down the drain, and they will not look at it anymore, and I will have no more opportunity for an interview.

I was very disappointed, and bitter.

The pain is still fresh until now, so let me just try to break down a few points.

Educational Qualification.

Education Graduate or its equivalent.

Preferably BS Psychology.

Me: 

BS Psychology, Certificate of Professional Education, Master of Arts in Education, PhD in Technology Management.

Her: 

BS Fisheries, Certificate of Professional Education, Masters still On-going.

Experience.

Me: Assisted the President and Heads in a State University in Monitoring & Evaluating the Satellite Campuses for 6 years. 

Her: Worked with aa Fisheries agency before joining this agency.

If I was not disqualified, my credentials were definitely higher than hers, and I know I would've done good during the interview/s. Sad that I was not given both opportunities, and she got the position without any competition.

I am still bitter, and I don't blame her for being the one accepted.

I didn't really believe in influence in government agencies before, but I am a true believer now.

A bitter believer.

So here we are in the present. I just submitted a set of documents to apply for a higher position. Not really a high position, but higher than what I'm holding right now. This is the third time, and probably the last time. Will start looking in other government agencies today. It's difficult to stay in a place where you're not shown that you're appreciated.

Will update you, guys!

Coin Purse Curse

I don't normally lose my things since I am so OC, but there is one thing that I always lose: my coin purse.

I can no longer count how many times I've lost my coin purse. And I don't just use any coin purse, I'm also kinda choosy with coin purses that are soft and made of leather, so they're a little pricey than the usual purses.

Tonight before my shift, I lost my latest coin purse again. I bought it last December, and it was one of the best I've had since it was the softest. Hay. What makes it more painful is that just before I left the house, I opened my piggy bank that contains all 10 peso coins, and got around Php 400, that will supposedly help me get through the next few days since I just used my training allowance to pay for all the monthly payables at home.

*sigh*

My motto for the next two weeks will be 'Poverty is the Best Diet'.

Dispensable

I came back because I had such good memories here. It was not the best times of my career, but it was certainly memorable. Never did I expect to be in a situation like this with my batchmates. Pardon my French, but I cannot find a better word to describe our situation other than SH*TTY.

We were the unlucky ones who was certified around the same time from communications training and was given a job offer for this retail account, to serve only for the peak season as they call it. What made it worse was that we had an instant training - compressed into a little less than 2 weeks when it was supposedly a month. We had trainer who was not really a trainer yet (I'm sure she's not certified), and spent most of her time reading the slides which I think is her way of "training" us.

Four weeks of taking calls, we're still given our measly training allowance. Heck, the security guards are getting a lot more than us, and to think that we have the same duties as the regular employees whose basic pay is more than double our allowance. Worse is that we are not assured of being absorbed here and getting the chance to become regular employees. They told us that we will be transferred to another account, and undergo PST again for more than a month this time. That will mean continuing our sorry excuse of an allowance until early next year. I cannot afford that. Not with a daughter who's in school.

*sigh*

Hoping for the best but not really expecting to stay here for long. It's sad to think that though my first stint here was not perfect, I was in good company in a company and account that really took care of us as we took care of those below us.

Now we're just dispensable.

Is It the End for Pacman?

After shift this morning, I went home to work on a few things, then I went back to the office to watch the Pay per View fight of Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez - their fourth showdown.

Pacman promised that he would make the fight short, and in a way it was. Just not the outcome Manny and a lot of Filipinos expected. It was an outcome I expected a long time ago, but not the way that it happened. The way that it happened is a shock to the whole world.

Don't get me wrong, I so love Pacman and I still am so proud of everything that he has done, but after their second showdown with Marquez, I really thought that he should have retired already. His fights in the last 2 or 3 years have been boring. Yes, he won most of them by decision, and lost a couple including the latest and probably the most painful since he was unconscious on the canvass for a good number of minutes.

Juan Manuel Marquez is a fighter. Manny Pacquiao is a fighter, a public servant, a lay minister, an actor, a basketball player, a businessman, and what not.

I hope this fight will be a wake up call for Pacman to make him realize that the money he has earned is more than enough for his children's future. He now has to think of himself and his family. He has nothing more to prove in the sport of boxing. He is already in the record books, and his legacy has been cemented a long time ago. Yes, there are boxers who are still fighting despite their age, but they are people who doesn't have anything else to do, and don't have enough lief savings. Pacman can do more if he decides to hang his gloves for good.

Blue

I am back to a place where I've stayed for almost 3 years before. Aside from a few familiar faces, so many things have changed, most especially the quality of training.

I am really disappointed, considering that not so long ago, we were under the best trainers and we went through hell and back to earn our lanyards and our pins. We prided ourselves in wearing our colored lanyards because we knew that we earned it.

Change.

The only constant thing in the world.

*sigh*

About to Move On Once Again

Martial law at the office that's slowly leading to turmoil, I am again looking for a new job somewhere else. I am definitely going back to the academe some time at the end of this year, or early next year, but between then and now, I need to feed my family, at least my daughter.

If I'm still here in this company in October, I would be celebrating my third year. Yes, I stayed here for a long time because I loved the company, and I loved the people around. I still do. It's just that our so-called manager has finally shown his dark side. I don't believe he changed. I believe that this is really who he is, and that he just hid it from everyone else before.

I have a bullseye on my back just because he puts malice in everything that's happened in the office. EVERYTHING. And that's a person supposedly "innocent" from the corruptions of society. He's a great example of someone trying to show this to the world, yet unconsciously showing something else.

Yes, actions speak louder than words, and I'm about to do a lot of action with very few words very soon.

I am Human

Call me selfish, but I think I have the right to be disappointed.

Imagine this: After experiencing physical pain, you wake up and receive a shocking news that you're no longer directing the upcoming tour which you're so passionate about. Yes, you're still a member of the cast, but after 24 shows that you've given your whole life into, it's taken away and given to someone else.

I don't have anything against the man they gave the directorship to, he's a good man, and we've shared the role of Valjean in those 24 shows, and we've covered each other at those times when one of us was indisposed. When it was announced that the producer of our upcoming tour will be choosing the actors that he wants to play, I already accepted the fact that my alternate, who's more experienced, more good-looking, a better actor and singer than me, will be chosen, and I will be going to the tour as a full-time director. When I was chosen by the producer, to play, it was a total surprise and yes, it made me more excited to be blessed with the role again. I was also excited because that meant my alternate will become the Technical Director, and I've always believed that we work together beautiful with him manning the technicals, and me manning the artistic side. Then yesterday, I just received a surprising text message from our President, someone I've always loved, respected and protected, that my alternate will now be the over-all director, technical AND artistic, for the tour.

Was the previous 24 shows a big disappointment and totally bad that we need to have someone new manning the artistic side? I'm sorry if I'm not good enough. Yes, I have had a lot of help ever since, and I welcome the help, it's just disappointing being replaced, not being really asked about it and being informed through text. It's like raising a beautiful child with help from a lot of good people, and then when the child is already grown-up and doing good, she's taken away from you and given to one of those good people.

I am a reluctant director, and I know I suck as a director, but for the past 24 shows, I did more than my best and the experience changed me. I know it was not the best, but it wasn't that bad as well.

I am hurt.

I am in pain.

I am disappointed.

People don't care.

Life goes on.

I forgive, but I never forget.

I am human.

Inspiration despite the Disappointment

This is my second post for 2012. A lot of things have been going on and I'm sorry if I've not been updating my blog as often as I would've wanted. I know no one reads this so for this year, I'm going to make this my online diary once again, the keeper of my secrets, successes and disappointments.

Something happened tonight during rehearsals. It made me see real commitment - at least, commitment in my eyes, and the eyes of my friends who's working so hard to make our show not just a reality, but to make it something worth watching. 

Tonight, I also saw complacency disguised as confidence. Confidence that's borderline arrogance, honestly speaking.

Yes, the concerned people supposedly went to rehearsals to "ask my permission" if they can be excused from rehearsals so they can support our friends who were joining a contest. Nothing wrong with the support thingie, my issue is that since they knew beforehand that they're going to the contest, they should have informed us beforehand so that we can just cancel rehearsals altogether. And with the permission thingie, do you think they would have stayed if I said no? They didn't need my permission. That was just a "sign of respect" but asking permission is the wrong term - they were actually just informing me.

I take my hat off to the members who stayed behind even if they had every reason to go to the contest, and I would like to really mention their names because they've inspired me to go on with this despite the disappointment. Therese, Alfie, Valerie, April, Emilyn, Iris.. these people have showed their passion, sincerity, commitment and respect, and young as they are, will surely go a long way in life.

As for me, I again sacrificed my time with my family and braved through the heavy rains to go to rehearsals on-time, I sacrificed my time for work (yes, very late again), and I sacrificed my very rare time with Shin Shin who's in Cebu for a show with her fellow Kapuso artists. She comes to Cebu once in a blue moon, and I had to miss her because I was committed to our rehearsals - rehearsals that never really happened.

I promised myself that I'm going to be harsher this 2012, and what happened last night is another reason, but somehow, someway, the Super 6 who remained has given me the inspiration despite the disappointment.

Bad and Very Bad News

It has been a while and I've been uber busy with the play coming very soon. And yes, the past week has been eventful, to say the least.

To cut the long story short, a close friend had her necklace snatched from her and I wasn't able to do anything but hug her only because I didn't want to leave her, and I thought (I still think) that she's way more important than any material thing, and it was in the middle of an unsafe trip at almost midnight. Yes, I think she's blaming me (even if she says she's not) but what can I do, she's just more important than a silver necklace.

Second event this week is the death of a cast mate's father. Her father had been bedridden already for a year since he got a stroke, so even if it's so sad, the family was somewhat already prepared for the inevitable. As the eldest (she just turned 18), I truly admire her strength.

Now on a lighter and happier note, we were able to perform publicly for the first time last weekend as a promotion for our musical, and we were also featured on TV with my short interview. It was somewhat impromptu, and I didn't think it will come out okay, but it did thank's much to the amazing Rachelle Dangin of ABS-CBN Cebu.

Two weeks more before our play, and I am not at all pressured production-wise because I know we're all gonna be doing our best. What I'm kinda worried about is the marketing. Now everyone has been doing a superb job with the marketing and all, it's just that the Cebuanos are really not that educated yet with things like these. It's sad but I'm not losing hope. We will continue doing our best, and with all the bad and very bad news the past weeks, I'm sure a ray of light, a bunch good news are coming our way soon.

Disappointed Daughter

My cousin and his girlfriend posted an invitation on my daughter's Facebook wall inviting her to their child's first birthday party. My daughter was so excited that she marked our calendar. 

Fast forward to the day, my daughter and her mom went to the venue only to find it deserted. The only person who was there said my cousin wasn't home, period. There was no notice if the party was cancelled or transferred. It was raining hard so disappointed, they walked home. My daughter cried so hard because rarely does she attend parties, and this was one party she was so looking forward to. My heart was in pieces. As my tita once said, "Their hurts are a thousandfold to us.."

I was so disappointed and mad. Then a couple of hours ago, the girlfriend of my cousin posted on Facebook that the party just ended, and told me that the venue was changed and that they sent me a text message supposedly informing me about that. Nice try. Lame excuse. In this age of technology, there's just no reason NOT to be able to contact anyone. If they did text me (which I doubt if they remembered me over all their more important friends), I didn't receive it. My 3 phones are on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am also online on Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo Messenger, Google Talk and MSN Messenger for at least 12 hours a day.

If only I could shield my daughter from the harshness of the world forever. 

*sigh*

If only.

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter)

Since I can't remember a hero that has let me down, I'm changing the recipient of this very short letter.

Dear Networks (ABS-CBN, GMA & TV5),

Please stop destroying our childhood heroes by dubbing in Filipino. I am proud to be Filipino and I am proud of my national language, but dubbing English cartoons into Filipino is just too much!

Sincerely yours,

Kal-El

P.S. Hearing Dora the Explorer say Tagalog words give me goosebumps - and not the good kind of goosebumps.

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

It's not really a compliment but a lot of times, especially during parties and events, I'm usually in-charge of the sound system and taking videos and pictures, and because I'm almost always behind the scenes, I'm also almost always not included in pictures, videos and the memories of those who attended. I don't mind being invisible and all, it's just depressing sometimes when even the celebrator or the hosts don't even appreciate what you do.

Greedy Managers

I'm very much disappointed because just when everything is starting to fall into place for our next production, something.. or someone, comes and ruins everything.

For the longest time, we've been performing for the love of theatre, and for our beneficiaries. We've always had nothing, and if ever we have something at the end of every performance, it will always be for our beneficiaries. We've never treated theatre as business. NEVER.

For our next production, we've had a few new recruits who were finalists in a recent local contest here in the city. They attended rehearsals just once, but I was very optimistic because they were all very eager and excited as I am.

Then came the disappointment.

I was just informed that because they were finalists in the recent contest, the group that organized the contest now "manages" them, and they're not allowed to join or perform with other groups that the organizer doesn't approve of. In short, the organizers "own" them already, and they're not allowed to join our production anymore. And since our is not a business, I'm sure the organizers will never allow their talents to join us. As if their so-called talents will make them rich. *sigh*

Yes, it's so sad to know that there are still a LOT of greedy people around. Our next production is for the cancer survivors of Cebu, and we're working hard for it.

Yes, I'm disappointed. Very disappointed. But I realized that there's nothing else that I can do. That we can do, but to move on without them. Yes, it will be hard looking for people to replace them, especially one who were with us in our last production, someone who has always been excited for this production, but now he can't be with us.

If I was in their shoes, I'd choose the production rather then being managed by the contests' organizers, but that's just me. They're young and excited, and somewhat thinking that they're "celebrities" in their own right, and that it's great for them to be managed. I've seen so many situations before that ended badly. I hope, for their sake, that it will end well.

I don't want to say this but yes, a lot of times, there's a fine line between being managed and being exploited. Just saying.

Loser and Loner Mode

Today, the streets of Cebu are alive because of Sinulog 2011! As for me, I'm in my Loser and Loner mode as I'm just at home resting, and will continue my Leverage marathon after this short blog. Just finished editing my songs for a wedding gig tomorrow. Kinda disappointed with 2 friends I invited to sing with me. The first one declined because she had a lot of requirements for school she had to make, which was fine. The second one, she said yes and sounded excited. I was wrong. 5 days had passed, and I have yet to receive a response from her through text or Facebook on when are we going to run through the songs. Yes, they're both famous songs (especially requested by the bride and groom), but I rearranged them to make them more romantic and made both songs a duet. Since I haven't heard from her, I edited the songs which I'll be singing solo tomorrow.

Some people are just so insensitive or just too confident? Why, even the best singers in the world still rehearse, and rehearse songs they've performed thousands of times. There's no excuse for not getting back to me. Yes, I'm disappointed with her, to think that I invited her to expose her as she's going to have a very difficult role in our next production. Now, I'm afraid she won't be able to take on that character.

*sigh*

Fooling Myself

Who am I kidding?! It will never work out! I may kill myself trying to make it work out, but it just won't if I'm the only one doing it. And guess what? I've been doing it for the longest time, and I've been hurting myself again and again in the process, but I still believed it's possible. Now that I'm 30 years old, I think it's time to give up on these fantasies no matter how painful it is, and move on. Easier said than done. It will take time, I know, but I gotta start somewhere, sometime. I have to start now without waiting for a tomorrow that may never come.

I've always believed that my soul siblings would be able to compensate for my siblings who passed. I was wrong. Or maybe I just expected too much? Or maybe I just don't know how to hold back.

I know it's wrong but I'm the type of person who gives my all in whatever I get into. I've always believed in giving everything so that in the end, I will not have any regrets. Ever since I started having soul siblings, I gave my all. I've did all I could to really treat them as I would treat my real siblings, but it wasn't really reciprocated. Yes, they'll say this and that, but those were just words, nothing more. Actions speak much louder than words, and basing from the actions and not just their words, I'm really nothing more to them than just one of their friends - not even a close friend. No, I'm not really complaining, I don't have the right to, I'm just really disappointed with myself why I care too much.

I love my soul siblings and I always will. I just have to learn to accept the fact that they will never look at me the way I look at them, that they will never treat me like I treat them, that I may be their kuya, their tatay, but in reality, I am just like everyone else - or even lesser. Sad but true, and for the acceptance thingie, I leave it all to time.

Yes, I just realized that I am just fooling myself.

Outcast

All my life, I've always been invisible. As big as I am physically, I almost always blend in the background wherever I am. As one friend said, "I'm used to being a wallpaper."

I know I'm a very boring person that's why almost anywhere I am, I always feel like an outcast. Yes, that's what I am - an outcast.

La Misère

No matter how I try to be positive, there are always negative things and people around me hurting me with or without them meaning to.

Is misery really after me?

Can I not be happy and stay happy for a long time?

Am I really that bad to deserve all of these?

*sigh*

Insensitive II

I never thought that my previous post about my disappointment would have a sequel. *sigh*

I thought everything would be okay after the producer decided to pass the Glee project to someone else. He first tried to pass it on to me, but after getting hurt, I declined and told him I'd rather spend my time with my family (which I did). The one who got the lead on the project, a close friend of Kaz, asked me to join. Trusting her, I said I will offer my slot to a friend, a member of the Kindred Hearts ensemble, and if she says yes, I will be supporting them all the way. If she'll say no, then I will join them as a performer.

The person I offered my slot to is my favorite dancer, Anne. She joined Kindred Hearts just 4 days before the show, and mastered all the dances right away. She's also into theatre and is a good singer, so I thought she's a perfect fit to join the Glee thingie.

Everyday, I was making sure with the project lead that the slot for my friend was still available, and I assured her that she will not be disappointed whatever complexities and no matter how far they've gone with rehearsing since Anne is just an amazing talent.

Yesterday, PL (Project Lead) texted me that she's at the mall and wanted to talk to me. As a concerned friend and supporter, I went there. I again was shocked when she told me right there and then that she no longer has a slot for my friend, and a lot of other crap that I wasn't able to hear anymore because my world crashed yet again. Here I was, always making sure they're okay and assuring them of my support and of my friend's talent and dedication, and at the same time, keeping in constant touch with Anne who was still at her home province, assuring her that I will give up my slot for her because I simply believe that she's perfect for something like this.

This started as a really bad day, and ended worse. I don't really know if people are just so insensitive, or they just don't care. Or are those 2 the same? I know no one's perfect, I for one, the most imperfect creature here on Earth, but at least I know that when I give my word, I really mean it. It doesn't take much effort to mean what you say, and say what you mean.

It's funny how people really go out of their way to show that they care kuno, when their body language unconsciously says otherwise.

Hay, I hope they'll do well in the contest. Anne would have been a major, major help to them, yet she wasn't given a chance. I don't know how to tell Anne. I am already in awe of her presence as someone I truly admire and love, now I don't have a face to tell her that she's out. I'm out. We're both out. It doesn't seem to be a big deal to them but it is to me because I'm the type of person who's willing to give up even my own life just to keep my word.

Yes, my word is my oath. This is who I am.

Outside Looking In

It's funny when you find yourself

Lookin' from the outside

I'm standing here but all I want

Is to be over there

Why did I let myself believe

Miracles could happen

Cause now I have to pretend

That I don't really care..

Those lines from the song, When there was Me and You from High School Musical sums up my present feelings, at least with the people from Kindred Hearts. Maybe because I'm a boring person, someone that's invisible, I'm out of the loop with regards their activities and gigs. I don't want to be a special someone where everyone will be telling me their whereabouts, but I do get "lost" general messages that they had a great time, and stuff, which means they all knew about the activities of the group.

Is this a sign that I'm not really welcome? I've never had any pretensions ever since, and I've always showed who and what I am. Now if that's a bad thing, then let it be. At least I don't regret being myself with them. If they think I'm too old (29's old?) or too boring to be with them, then I can't do anything about that. I am who I am, what you see is what you get.

Yes, I am on the outside looking in.. but if they don't want me to be in there, I won't force myself. I have a life to live, boring it may be to a lot of people, it still is a life I have to live for the sake of my family, my wife, daughter, my soul siblings. At least they've accepted me for what and who I am.

Insensitive

I know I'm kinda emo, but still, some people are just insensitive.. very insensitive.

A couple of days ago, a good old friend invited me to join a sing & dance competition ala Glee. This friend is a multi-awarded composer and musician and ever since I started performing, has been an amazing supporter. Though we seldom see each other, the mutual respect and admiration has always been there.

Excited about the invitation, I informed everyone involved in Kindred Hearts including the producer. He too was excited and we started planning. We started making a list of people we'll be selecting since the contest only allows 12 to 18 people in 1 group. I even suggested on having 2 groups from us so a lot would be able to experience it, but it seemed like he was keen on just having one group. While we were thinking of the people to include, he included my name. I told him not to replace my name with someone else more deserving, but since he also included his name as one of the performers, he insisted that I should also be performing. When I talked to my sister about it, she also said that I should perform with them, so I finally agreed.

The first schedule of rehearsals was today, the whole day. Since it's a Sunday, I had to sacrifice (again!) my time with my family. My wife wasn't very happy with it since I was also out the whole day yesterday for the Moon Walk, an activity where I was with the same group. I also had to (again) sacrifice my time with the Bisdaks, who needed my help so badly for one of Arnel Pineda's major projects. It was a major, major sacrifice but hey, it's for the group, right?

Call time was supposedly 8:30 AM but I wasn't able to leave early because I had to bond with my family before again leaving them and being gone the whole day. I went to the meeting place and waited for the others who were also late. We then walked towards the rehearsal venue, a social hall beside a parish. It was not that far, but it wasn't also near and it was so hot. We finally arrived and rested a bit. While I was lying down on the floor, the producer casually approached me and asked, "Is it okay for this girl to take your spot?" He asked that while the girl was already rehearsing and all. I had no choice. I couldn't have said No because that would have made me selfish and would hurt everyone. I said it was okay, and left the social hall. I went straight to the church beside the venue. Tears fell while I was talking to Him. I wasn't sad or disappointed because I got replaced by someone far more beautiful and talented. I was crying because I was not informed way before I got to make all those sacrifices. If the replacement was already there, that meant that the producer had already decided way before to replace me, he just didn't tell me sooner.

From the church, I went out of the compound and walked and walked and walked. It felt like my head has just been chopped off. No one noticed I was gone, or no one cared. Why would they, right?

Since I left the place where I was of no use, I decided to go to the Bisdaks meeting instead, and make up for the projects where they needed me and I wasn't there. I'm lucky they're very understanding and welcomed me back with open arms. Good thing we still have time to work on the project before the end of the month deadline.

The time I lost for my family is something I cannot get back anymore. That's the most painful thing in this experience. If the person was just sensitive enough, he could have informed me way before. Heck, when we first planned this, I don't even think he was sincere in saying (and insisting) that he wanted me to join. My sis, KC, even said that it's ironic that the one who was invited is the one that's not part of it after all.

How can I make it up to my family? By spending more time with them and no longer spending a lot of time with theatre, at least for now. Since I'm out of the contest, there won't be any rehearsals to attend to for the time being. I know no one's going to notice that I'm not with them during their bonding sessions because after all, I've always been invisible to them. Invisible and useless.